i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
