If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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