This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
we should paint friendship bongs
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
