Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Randomize
