so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
