see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
