Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize
