im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
