Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
