They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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