I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
