you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
