im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
