I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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