dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
