Swine flu. Run for my life!
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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