Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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