Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Randomize
