Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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