he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
