Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
