Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
