I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
