he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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