Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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