Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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