Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
jump out the window naked night went bad
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