Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
