Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
