We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
