I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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