Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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