I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
