I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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