the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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