An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
