Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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