i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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