She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
