i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
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