1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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