Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize