I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
