so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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