someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
