His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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