in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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