she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Randomize
