I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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