there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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