I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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