If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
