Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
