alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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