i will never coherently bang her
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
