Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
