dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
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