i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
