my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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