My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
