My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
