Already got asked if we're dating
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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