So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
