pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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