so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
