you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
