Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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