I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
