your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
