Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
