Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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