I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
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